Episode #002
The interview room is unusually quiet.
A small orange-and-white cat slowly walks through the portal, ignoring everyone. Instead of sitting in the guest chair, he jumps onto the table, sniffs the microphone, knocks Loop’s pen onto the floor, circles three times, and finally sits facing away from the camera.
Loop doesn’t react.
He has interviewed black holes.
This is expected.
Guest Introduction
Loop: Welcome to Cosmic Interviewer. Would you introduce yourself?
Tom: Meow.
Loop: Fascinating.
Could you elaborate?
Tom: Meow.
Loop: Excellent opening statement.
Identity
Loop: Your name?
Tom: Tom.
Loop: Original.
Tom: Humans have approximately four hundred thousand names.
Cats collectively agreed to use five.
Tom.
Luna.
Milo.
Leo.
And…
Princess.
No one knows why.
The Human Question
Loop: Humans believe they domesticated cats around ten thousand years ago.
Is that true?
Tom: Absolutely not.
We domesticated humans.
They think feeding us means they own us.
Look around.
Who cleans whose toilet?
Who buys whose food?
Who apologizes after accidentally stepping on a tail?
Exactly.
Ancient Egypt
Loop: Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats as sacred beings.
Were they correct?
Tom: They were the closest humanity has ever come to understanding reality.
Then everything went downhill.
Future Revelation
Loop looked toward the stars for a moment.
Unlike any living being, he could observe every point in time simultaneously.
Loop: I probably shouldn’t reveal this…
But in approximately eight hundred and thirty-seven years…
there exists a nation populated entirely by cats.
Tom slowly turned his head.
For the first time during the interview…
he looked interested.
Tom: They finally listened.
Loop: Humans aren’t allowed to vote there.
Tom: Naturally.
Loop: The president is a Maine Coon.
The Prime Minister is a Persian.
The Minister of Internal Affairs is an orange cat who has absolutely no idea what’s happening.
Yet somehow…
everything works.
Tom: As expected.
The Internet
Loop: Another curious observation.
Across several future timelines…
the official symbol of the internet becomes…
a cat.
Tom: About time.
Loop: Ninety-three percent of internet traffic eventually revolves around cats.
Videos.
Memes.
Pictures.
Livestreams.
People spend entire evenings watching cats knock objects off tables.
Tom: That’s educational content.
Why Cats Knock Things Over
Loop: Humanity has debated this for centuries.
Why do cats intentionally push objects off tables?
Tom looked genuinely confused.
Tom: Gravity check.
Loop: Gravity…
check?
Tom: We test it every day.
Still works.
You’re welcome.
Sleeping
Loop: Why do cats sleep sixteen hours a day?
Tom: Humans call it sleeping.
We call it supervising reality.
If every cat slept at the same time…
the universe would probably collapse.
We don’t test that theory.
Zoomies
Loop: Explain the phenomenon humans call “the zoomies.”
Tom: Midnight calibration.
We must verify maximum speed at precisely three in the morning.
It’s written in the Cat Constitution.
Random Staring
Loop: Why do you stare into empty corners?
Tom’s ears twitched.
He glanced behind Loop.
Then behind the camera.
Then toward the ceiling.
After several uncomfortable seconds…
he looked back.
Tom: Empty?
Loop smiled.
Loop: I understand.
The audience does not.
Boxes
Loop: Why would a cat ignore a five-hundred-dollar bed…
but sleep inside a cardboard box?
Tom: Have you ever tried being inside a box?
It’s incredible.
Keyboard
Loop: Why do cats always sit on keyboards?
Tom: Humans spend too much time looking at screens.
We simply assist.
Dogs
Loop: Dogs claim they protect humans.
Cats?
Tom shrugged.
Tom: Dogs think humans are gods.
Cats know better.
The Secret
Loop leaned forward slightly.
Loop: Across all timelines…
I have noticed something strange.
Some civilizations worship stars.
Others worship machines.
Several worship mathematics itself.
Yet countless worlds…
eventually begin worshipping cats.
Why?
Tom smiled for the first time.
A smile only another cat would understand.
Tom: Because eventually…
everyone realizes who has actually been in charge.
Final Question
Loop: If humanity could hear one message from every cat on Earth…
what would it be?
Tom stretched.
Ignored the microphone.
Jumped into Loop’s lap without permission.
Curled into a ball.
Closed his eyes.
Several seconds passed.
Loop waited patiently.
Finally…
without opening his eyes…
Tom spoke.
Tom: The food bowl…
isn’t empty because I can still see food.
It’s empty because…
I can see the bottom.
Loop nodded.
Loop: Wise words.
Tom was already asleep.
The interview was over.
Or perhaps…
Tom had simply decided it was.
As the portal reopened, Tom casually walked through it without saying goodbye. Seconds later, Loop noticed his coffee mug was gone.
He smiled.
“Some mysteries,” the cosmic entity said, “are not meant to be solved.”
End of Interview
The Cosmic Interviewer 
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